Behind the Smile
by Klaineisthebeesknees
Summary: Kurt's depressed and he plans out how he's going to kill himself.
1. Chapter 1

Behind the Smile

Kurt sat with his back against the bath tub. He look down at the smooth porcelain tiles while he thought deeply. Kurt loved his life. He had an amazing boyfriend, a loving and accepting family, and a lot of friends, but for some reason, he just wasn't feeling as happy as he used to. As a matter of fact, he felt Horrible.

About 2 months after he transferred to Dalton, he started to feel really depressed. He didn't know if it was because he missed his friends or if he was upset that Blaine hadn't shown the same feelings that Kurt had for him. He carried along with his depression, and the same day Blaine and Kurt officially became a couple, all of the sadness inside of him seemed to float away; That is, until the honeymoon phase went away.

Kurt couldn't figure why he was sad again. He couldn't even focus on his school work. All he could think about was why he was depressed again. And then it hit him as soon as he got the call from his dad saying that he need to report to McKinley tomorrow for a meeting with Karofsky and Figgins. He didn't even have to wait for his dad to tell him why there was a meeting. He knew. It was about him transferring back. As soon as he hung up the phone, he once again felt happy.

Then it happened again. After about a week being back at McKinley, he felt depressed, and not like he did before; he wanted to die. As much as he loved his life, there was this never ending pain inside of him. So after the New York trip, he planned it all out:

He first started by planning what he was going to do with all of his things. As he was organizing his CDS, Burt knocked on his door.

"Come In." Kurt yelled.

"What's all of this?" Burt asked

"I'm rearranging some of my stuff around" Kurt said as he placed another Broadway CD into a box

"Well, okay. Dinner will be done in 5 minutes" Burt said as he shut Kurt's door, oblivious to the fact that the box that Kurt was putting his Broadway CDS (which was the only music Kurt seems to listen to) in said _For Rachel._

His next step was to decide what would happen to him after he died. He thought long and hard on this, but he decided that he wanted cremation. Even thought he would love to be buried next to his mom, he read online that you could make the ashes into rings, necklaces and more, so he would love to make sure that he would always be with the people he loved. He didn't think that his dad would want that so just in case, he picked out a casket and outfit that he would want to be buried in. You'd think looking at those websites would make him sad, but It actually made him feel Happy.

Then he planned the final step; How he was going to kill himself. He thought about cutting his most important arteries, but that made him squirmy, so he decided on the most pain free death there is; Overdose. He knew that Finn had depression, so he could probably sneak some pills from without him even noticing. He picked this upcoming Friday to be the day he would take his life. He didn't have any plans so it seemed perfect.

Friday morning was when Kurt started telling everyone their goodbyes (without really saying it of course)

"AHH! KURT!" Mercedes screamed when he came up behind her and gave her a huge hug.

"Oh Mercedes, I love you so much." Kurt looked at her and took her hands and started to swing them

Mercedes giggled and smiled back at him.

"I just wanted to Thank you for being such a good friend. I don't feel like I tell you enough" Kurt said in an overly nice voice

"Oh Kurt, I love you too! I'm so lucky I have a friend like you"

Kurt Pulled her into a long tight hug. "Well I have to go." Kurt said as he pulled away. "I can't be late for French Class again"

"I've got to get heading to Biology anyway. I'll see you on Monday!"

Kurt smiled at her as he watched her walk down the hallway. It made him sad that he would never see her again, but he had to escape this other pain eating him away on the inside.

During the rest of the day, he said goodbye to each of the glee club members. It wasn't as hard as he thought it would be, that is, until he went to give Rachel an extra special goodbye. He texted Rachel to come and meet up with him after school in the auditorium.

"Hi Kurt!" Said Rachel as she walked onto the stage wearing her usual short skirt, Bright colored tights, flats, and a tacky sweater.

"Rachel, I really want to sing with you" Kurt said with that smile on his face that he had been faking for months now.

"I'm glad that someone wants to hear my gift." Rachel said as she smiled at Kurt "What song?"

Kurt sighed "For Good. I know we already sung that song in New York, but I really want to do it again."

"All right" Rachel said "Are we going to have music this time?"

"Yep! I have it all planned out" As soon as he said that, he pointed to a guy up in the sound booth, and then the music started.

**"I'm Limited" **Rachel Started. Kurt just stared at her in amazement until it got to his part

**"I've heard it said  
>That people come into our lives for a reason<br>Bringing something we must learn  
>And we are led<br>To those who help us most to grow  
>If we let them<br>And we help them in return  
>Well, I don't know if I believe that's true<br>But I know I'm who I am today  
>Because I knew you...<strong>

**Like a comet pulled from orbit  
>As it passes a sun<br>Like a stream that meets a boulder  
>Halfway through the wood<br>Who can say if I've been changed for the better?  
>But because I knew you<br>I have been changed for good."**

**...**

**"Because I knew you...  
>I have been changed for good..."<strong>

On that last phrase, Rachel glanced over at Kurt and noticed that he was crying. As any good friend would do, she pulled him into a tight hug.

"Aww, Kurt! Why are you crying?" Rachel asked

"Your voice... It's just so beautiful" Kurt said trying to hide the real reason why he was crying

Rachel thought it was odd. The only time he cried before at one of her performances was "_My Man" _and that performance was much more breath taking than the one they just sang. She just pushed the though aside and pulled away from Kurt.

"Well, I should get going. Mercedes and I are going to go shopping for some new... lady products, if you catch my drift." Rachel said

Kurt chuckled "I should get going too. Have fun!" he watched Rachel start to walk away "Rachel... Wait." He ran up to her and gave her one last hug. Rachel laughed. "I'm so glad you're my friend. I love you Rachel, and never forget it." Kurt whispered in her ear.

Rachel once again thought that was odd, but she didn't put the pieces together. "I.. I love you too Kurt." With that, Kurt waved and walked away, thinking that that was going to be the last time that he would ever see Ms. Rachel Berry.


	2. Chapter 2

Behind the Smile Chapter 2

**Sorry about how my last chapter was very unorganized. It was my first fic and for some reason the sections didn't get divided up like I wanted them too :( anyway, here's chapter 2 of behind the smile.**

**Disclaimer: I don't own glee**

**[*]*[*]**

Rachel and Mercedes walked out of Macys giggling about the cashier that was wearing bright blue eye shadow and the brightest shade of red lipstick and blush.

"All she needs now is a rainbow clown wig and she could join the circus" Mercedes said jokingly.

"I've never seen any..." Rachel stopped talking and turned around to see the person who had just tapped her on the shoulder.

"Hey Blaine! What are you doing here? I thought that you were going to your dads work party!" Rachel exclaimed.

"Well, I was, but Kurt has been acting odd and upset lately so I decided that I would go to the mall and buy him his favorite mocha flavored chocolates, and then go surprise visit him at his house." Blaine said excitedly.

"Wait a minute..." Rachel said "You noticed too that Kurt was acting odd?"

"He was acting odd the me too!" Mercedes said "He said he loved me like a million times, the he thanked me for being such a good friend..." Mercedes mouth hung open on the last word.

"After school today, he wanted me to sing _For Good_ with him, and at the end, he was crying like a baby, and then... oh my god. He told me that he loved me and never to forget it." Rachel said, with panic in her voice.

"Oh my god, Isn't for gooda goodbye song?" Blaine said, with even more panic in his voice than Rachel's.

"You don't think he..." Mercedes voice trailed off. No one need to hear her finish the sentence anyway. They were all thinking the same thing.

Blaine whipped his cell phone out of his pocket and franticly dialed Kurt's number . It ringed 7 times before Kurt's voice mail came on.

"No answer" Blaine said, freaking out. "Come on guys, we're going to Kurt's house!"

"My dad dropped us off!" Mercedes exclaimed

"Just ride with me! Come on!" With that, the trio shot off toward the parking lot, hoping that it wasn't too late.

**[*]*[*]**

Kurt held Finn's bottle of anti depressant pills in one hand, and a glass of water in the other. Minutes before, he wrote a letter explaining his organizing system and what he wanted done to him after he passes. He also wrote an extra special letter for Blaine, and one for his dad.

Kurt took one last deep breath as he popped 3 pills into his mouth and took a drink. then he took 3 more. At first, he felt fine. Then, his head started to feel fuzzy and light. Kurt tried to get up and go lie down on his bed, but he was too weak. He then decided just to lie down on his back and wait until the darkness took him away. He shut his eyes, trying to relax for his last few minutes of life.

Then he felt it. A pounding in his chest so hard he wanted to scream, but he couldn't remember how to. After the pain subsided some, he felt really sleepy. "This is it." he whispered as he drifted into unconsciousness.

**[*]*[*]**

Blaine sped down the street to The Hudson-Hummel house. His mind was racing with the thought of it being too late, and it would be all of his fault for not reading the signs that Kurt was going to kill himself.

As soon as he pulled into their drive way, Rachel and Mercedes jumped out of the car and ran up to the door. Blaine quickly turned off the vehicle and ran right up behind them.

All 3 of the banged on the door and rang the door bell.

"KURT!" they all screamed.

"OH MY GOSH I JUST REMEMBED THAT FINN TOLD ME THEY HAVE A KEY UNDER THEIR DOOR MAT!" Rachel screamed.

the trio stepped off of the mat at the same time. Blaine threw up the mat, grabbed the key and quickly put it into the lock. He fumbled a few times but when the door opened, he raced up the stairs to Kurt's room with Rachel and Mercedes following.

"KURT!" Blaine screamed as he slammed on his bedroom door. there was no answer. "STAND BACK GUYS!"

Rachel and Mercedes stood at the top of the stairs, trying to stay out of the way while Blaine slammed the door open.

as soon as it flew open, Blaine ran in, only to then fall to his knees.

"Kurt…" he said, tears welling in his eyes. Blaine was frozen. His one joy in life was lying on the floor surrounded by an empty pill bottle and a glass cup. Lifeless.

Rachel ran over and tried to find a pulse. "HE'S STILL A LITTLE WARM, BUT HIS PULSE IF VERY WEAK! MERCEDES, CALL 911!"

Blaine scooted over next to Kurt and Rachel. He felt like he was going to puke. He heard Mercedes talking on the phone in the background, but it all was all a blur to him.

"THE AMBULANCE IS ON ITS WAY!" Mercedes exclaimed with tear rolling down her checks. "THE DISSPACHER WANTS US TO BEING CPR. DOES ANYONE KNOW HOW TO DO IT?"

"YES, I DO." Blaine screamed. Rachel got up and hugged Mercedes, tears soaking each others shoulders.

Blaine was scared out of his mind. He took a CPR class a few years back after his little sister nearly drowned at the local pool. It was scary knowing that Kurt's life depended on him, just like his sisters depended on that lifeguard. It took him all of his strength to not start crying.

"1, 2, 3!" Blaine shouted every time he pumped Kurt's chest. He stopped every 3 times to check Kurt's pulse. And every time, it would keep getting slower and slower. He had to admit that It was wearing him out, but he didn't stop.

He wasn't sure how long he had been doing CPR, but when he heard the ambulance coming down the street, he stopped.

"RACHEL, RUN OUTSIDE AND WAVE TO THEM TO MAKE SURE THEY SEE US. MERCEDES, I'M GOING TO RIDE IN THE AMBULANCE WITH KURT. CAN YOU AND RACHEL STAY BEHIND AND CALL FINN. HE AND HIS PARENTS ARE AT A BASKETBALL GAME DOWNTOWN. THEN, CAN YOU TAKE MY CAR TO THE HOSPITAL?"

"Yeah, sure…" Mercedes said calmly. As soon as Blaine gave her the keys, The paramedics ran up the stairs. the last thing Blaine remembered was them putting an oxygen mask on Kurt, then onto a stretcher and hopping into the ambulance.

**[*]*[*]**

Blaine, Rachel and Mercedes sat in the waiting room. No one spoke a word. They held each other's hands while they silently cried. Mercedes tried calling Finn, but she just thought that he didn't hear his cell ringing. She checked on her phone to see what time the game was over, but sadly it still had 1 and a half hours to go.

Blaine was in total shock. The one person he loved, the person who loved him the most, might be dead. His eyes were as red as they could be, his checks stained with tears. "why?" he thought over and over again. about one hour after they got to the hospital, a doctor finally came over.

"Blaine Anderson?" he asked

"y-yes" he answered as he stood up.

"It appears that Kurt overdosed on what is thought to be anti depressants.

"How is he? Is he… alive?" Blaine said impatiently.

"We did our best, but I'm sorry to say that he's in a coma from the lack of oxygen. I don't know when, or if he will wake up"

"WHAT?" all 3 screamed in unison. Rachel began crying into Mercedes arm.

"This can't be happening" Blaine muttered under his breath.

"I'm guessing you didn't reach his parents?" the doctor asked

"They're at a basket ball game that's not over until an hour or so." Blaine said

"Well, since you checked him in, I guess I'll let you see him Blaine. Only one person who is not with a family member is aloud in a room."

Rachel and Mercedes nodded.

"What is your relationship to him Mr. Anderson?" the doctor said as they started to walk down the hallway.

"I-I'm his boyfriend" Blaine said, regretting saying that. Why would he be stupid enough to say that here in Lima to a stranger.

"Okay then." the doctor said nicely, even though Blaine could tell he felt awkward about it.

**[*]*[*]**

Blaine lost it as soon as the doctor let him be alone with Kurt. He collapsed onto a chair at Kurt's bedside and cried loudly into his limp hand.

"Why would you do this?" Blaine choked out, even though he knew he wouldn't get an answer.

"Why didn't you tell me you were hurting? I could have gotten you help. I-I-I…." Blaine stopped himself. Asking these questions wasn't going to get him anywhere right now.

He looked up at his boyfriend. He was still so, so very beautiful even in a coma. Blaine brushed back some of his hair and sat back down and held his hand. That's when he noticed them. Tiny little scars lined his upper arm. It broke Blaine's heart. How could he not have noticed that Kurt was harming himself? How could he not see his boyfriend was in pain? Blaine felt like it was his fault, but deep down inside, he knew it wasn't.

"Mr. Anderson, visiting hours for Friends are over." a nurse at the door said nicely.

"Can I please stay longer?" Blaine pleaded.

"Not unless his family is here" She said with a little aggravation in her voice.

"Give me a second to say goodbye, please." Blaine said politely. the nurse nodded and left.

Blaine stood up and looked down at his beloved boyfriend. With tears still falling from his face, he leaned in and gave Kurt a long kiss on his very pale lips.

"Mr. Anderson…" the nurse said again. Blaine unlocked his lips and looked at his one true joy in life before he left the room. "I love you." He whispered

**[*]*[*]**

As soon as he got back to the waiting room, he sat back down by Mercedes and Rachel

"Finn and his parents should be here any minute." Rachel said calmly.

"Did you tell him what happened?" Blaine asked.

"I just told Finn that he overdosed" Mercedes said. "You can't explain much when you, are they are, in shock."

"So…. h-how did he look?" Rachel asked with tears starting to well up in her eyes again.

"Dead. Lifeless. Limp." Blaine said staring at the floor.

"I hope we can see him soon. I-…" Rachel was cut off by Mercedes.

"My dad's here Rachel." Mercedes said as she looked at her text message.

"We'll see you later Blaine. Are you waiting for his parents and Finn to arrive?" Rachel asked.

He nodded and waved goodbye.

"Hey guys, wait." Blaine said. "Don't tell anyone about this."

Both girls nodded and left the building.

…

About 10 minutes later, the Hudson-Hummels ran in. Blaine ran over to Finn as his parents ran up to the front desk.

"Dude!" Finn said, tears already running down his face "What the fuck happened?"

"I was going to your house to surprise Kurt because he was acting odd lately, so before I went to your house, I went by the mall to pick him up some candy, and I ran into Rachel and Mercedes. Long story short, we all went over there, only to find Kurt unconscious." Blaine said, starting to cry again.

Finn just stared at the ground. He didn't understand why this was happening.

"Finn, Blaine!" Carole yelled "They're taking us to his room! Hurry!"


	3. Chapter 3

Behind the Smile Chapter 3

**Sorry I takes me so long to write this chapter. I couldn't decide what I wanted to make out of it, then I started listening to this one song, and I got my idea :) Enjoy chapter 3 of behind the smile.**

**[x]x[x]**

It's been 6 days since Kurt has been in a coma. The doctor said that the chances of Kurt waking up are 30%, due to the damages done to his brain. If he doesn't wake up in 3 weeks, the doctor said the best thing to do would be to pull the plug. Burt, Carole, Finn, and Blaine are stay at a motel right down the street just in case something happens. Blaine talk to his mom and she agreed to let him stay with Kurt's family at the motel until a change in his condition. There was only 1 week of school left for both Finn and Blaine, and after their parents talked to the administrators, they got out of going.

Finn had informed the New Directions. All of them, even Sue, came to see Kurt on the 3rd day he was at the hospital. Blaine also informed the Warblers but he told them not to come because he thought it would be too much for Burt and Carole if even more people came into the small room.

Blaine was sitting in a chair by Kurt's bed. he held his hand and laid back, listening to the steady beats of Kurt's heart. _Beep. Beep. Beep. _The sound annoyed him, but it also gave him some comfort, knowing that Kurt's heart was still working.

Burt was on the other side of Kurt, holding his other hand and laying his head lightly on it. It was around 12:30 pm when Carole and Finn came back to the room after eating lunch. That's when Burt stood up and whispered something to Carole, Then she nodded

"Blaine?" Burt said "Would you like to come back to our house, to get a few things?"

Blaine really wanted to say no, because he wanted to stay with Kurt. But by the look on Burt's depressed face, he knew he should go.

"S-sure." Blaine replied looking back at Burt with his blood shot watery eyes.

When they got into the truck, the first thing Blaine did was asked him why he wanted him to go.

Burt replied saying "I need you to…" Burt choked back a sob "help me go through Kurt's stuff. The doctor said we should probably find some clues… of why…." Burt didn't finish his sentence.

When they were almost there Burt spoke up again "I'm going to pack up some stuff for me and Carole, so can you get started?"

Blaine nodded, almost in tears again.

[x]x[x]

The minute Blaine walked into Kurt's room, he didn't recognize it. There were boxes everywhere. Boxes with names. familiar names. He wondered why he didn't notice it when he found him. The he realized that it was probably because his focus was on Kurt, and not about his décor.

Besides the perfectly stacked boxes, something caught his eye. They were sitting on the middle of Kurt's vanity. 2 pink envelopes. One said Dad and the other said Blaine.

Blaine carefully opened the one with his name, and as he read, the tears started to fly out.

_Dear Blaine,_

_Please forgive me for this. I know this must be hard for you, but I'm happy now. I don't know where I'm going to go, or in this case, where I am, but I just want to let you know that, I love you. I didn't do this because I hate you. I did it because I was in pain and I couldn't take it anymore. I started off with cutting, and it helped me forget about this pain burrowing deep down inside of me, but then, I just started to feel worse about myself. I really wanted to tell you. I really did, but I thought you would think I was some sort of freak._

_Have you ever listened to the song "if I die you by young" by The Band Perry? If you haven't, please do. You may need to listen to it a few times to understand the meaning, well there's more than one, but once you listen to it, maybe you'll start to know how I really feel about dying. _

_Blaine, you are the best thing that ever happened to me. You made the last year of my life the best ever, and I don't think I can thank you enough for that. I have 5 boxes of my stuff for you. Promise me you'll keep it forever. And please move on Blaine. I know it may take you some time, but I don't want you to miss out on things because of me. I want you to be happy. _

_Remember, no matter where I am, I love you, and I will never stop loving you. Never. Promise me you'll do the same, and never forget about me. I love you Blaine, and remember, I'm happy now. There's no more pain I have to go through. Be happy for me._

_Love Always,_

_Kurt _

Blaine held the letter to his chest and started crying hysterically on Kurt's bed. The realization finally kicked into him. His odds of losing Kurt were high. Tremendously high. Maybe some of the tenses of the letter may not be true now, but they could be at any moment.

He didn't know when, but Burt must have come in and started rubbing his shoulder. After he calmed down, he got up, picked up Burt's letter and gave it to him. Burt stared at it and took it back into his room, wanted to read it in private in case he broke down crying.

He shakily opened it and began to read.

_Dear Daddy,_

_I'm so sorry for you having to go through this. I wish I could of told you how I felt, but, let's face it, I'm just a coward. Even if I did get help, who knows of I would have felt happier._

_I love you. You are the best dad there can be. You made everything feel like it was going to be okay when mom died, or when I skinned my knee, or anything else. I thank you so much for that. But, thank you the most for accepting my sexuality. I'm so lucky that I had a dad like you. Can you do me favor? Be there for Blaine. Since his dad ignores him because he's gay, will you help him out? It would me so much to me, to know that he has someone to go to if he had issues._

_Please cremate me daddy. I know you think it's wrong, but I would really like it. If not, then burry me next to mommy. Before you do anything though, read through all of my note books. they have notes on how I want to be prepared. _

_I love you so much. Please don't be sad. I'm happy, and I'm with Mommy. I'm safe, away from bullies, and away from this pain. Promise me you'll keep all of my clothes, and always remember me. I love you. And I will never stop, life or death._

_Love Always,_

_Kurt _

Burt read the letter over and over. Oddly, no tears ran out. He felt numb. He felt frozen in time. He felt lost. And he felt like it was all his fault for Kurt trying to kill himself.


End file.
